I am listening Billie Eilish recently. I knew about her since Bad Guy. But I prefer her songs before Bad Guy like Bellyache, Lovely, Ocean Eyes and so on.
I like her singing style, melancholy, interpreting emotions, is sad, brave, and unwilling. I always put on my emotions for him inside.

"Did you take my love away from me?"——Chihiro
It reminds me something while listening.
I still don't know what his thoughts but he really hurts me for a long time.
We knew about each other just because we were just freshmen in a high school. Our classroom didn't change in 3 years. I found his management position in the class is computer equipment, and his technology was not bad comparing other classmates. I remembered his smile at one day. He didn't notice me at that time.

In one day, my roommate needed a card reader to transfer study data. I knew how can do that so I decided to borrow from him. But I broke this card reader because teaching media platform. This made the beginning of things frightening.
The brand of this media platform was Seewo. The blackboard was separated to four parts and it could open, then there was a touched media inside.

It was not different from a computer. The USD interfaces were under right corner. In that moon, I wanted to pull out after transferring, my other classmate didn't notice there was a reader and she closed the blackboard. So that was the reason it's broken. I took on that responsibility, I didn't say it wasn't actually me who caused the damage. As expected, he was very angry.
By the way, after I got his contact information and compensated for his new identical card reader, we never had any communication again. Even though I found he deleted me someday I couldn't care at that time.
He showed some strong interests in computer technologies. People around us didn't have as much interest in these things as we do, so sometimes in class, during computer foundation courses, he standed out on the boys' side and I standed out on the girls' side. But it seemed that only the two of us are more concerned about our interests in computers.

Time went on Grade 11(2022-2023). I noticed his eyes on me. At first, I was stunned and a little afraid to look at him. My heart was beating.
"You had that same look in your eyes."——BIRDS OF A FEATHER
I had never been able to take that step and be in a normal state with him.
I didn't know what was wrong with that thing but I knew my heart always was beating when I stood by him.

I grabbed some information and it passed by my ear. He likes The Three-Body Problem as well. Most interests are similar. So I would mention for my friends near by me when he was in field. Not for friends if they didn't understand what I said, for him.
"We got this crazy chemistry between us"——for him.

Soon I noticed he was trying to get closer beside me and look at me after I noticed his eyes. That made me happy and surprise. I just couldn't stand it. I was afraid of coming into contact with him.

A girl T transferred from humanities class to science class. Her hometown is the same as him. She was the first one I told that I like him. She gave me a suggestion that another boy could help me getting closer with him. Because it happened to be after the adjustment of the table position. That boy W was sitting behind him alone. This girl was sitting with me as desk mates.

As I was glad that I could sure that he might likes me too. But we couldn't be in a relationship because we were not allowed. This kind of liking is like thin lotus leaf. Cautious and fragile.

Another adjusting desk position day. A boy Q sat beside me at left with a aisle. He is a someone who can't control gossip. He was wooing a junior girl who is one year younger than us. So he asked me about suggestion. And I told him I like HIM. And he asked HIM for HIS phone number assuming I could send HIM some message.
Some awkward things happening. One was that Q had a small talk with him between classes gap. Q mentioned me very abruptly in a really a humorous tone, which made me feel embarrassed. I felt like we hadn't reached that point yet. And there is fact that Q and I have different opinions about relationships.

I forgot how we broke the ice on text messages. But I remembered that the first step was me did that. And I remembered that I didn't say any info about me. He knew. One day he coughed, and I happened to have a throat lozenge. I left it on his desk when no one was around at noon, and when I went back at night, I opened the message and received a text message from him. He said thank you for my candy. "谢谢你的糖果"

My heart is sad and broken while I'm writing these...
I fell in love with his hobby because he likes badminton. And there was a chance to contact him. This time we broke the ice and talked about some badminton related things.
I did get closer to him because of this sport, and I also added him to his social media again. I could remember, when I posted, he viewed me a lot of times. Sorry about that I'm so crazy...

If someone is reading my story here, and if you remember or haven't read my blog before. There was a girl H. I mentioned in 2026.06.05.
She was living at my neighbor dorm. I could tell her roommates what I like in our class but not her. At that time, my sixth sense told me that she would look down upon what I loved.
Before our last camping, she wanted to visit my family and I allowed. At that weekend, she sat behind my electric bike and begged me to tell her who it was. I told her.
I thought this was the beginning of the bed dreams.
My desk mate T had a friend. They often went to the dining together. In one Saturday evening time, T's friend came our classroom but heard that H asked the boy W if it's fake between HE and me, with a gossip tone. I didn't know that because I was playing badminton. W refuted her, told her this was true because HE often turned around to talk to W, but sometimes his eyes tilted towards me.
She might was regretful that she did this. When I came classroom after finishing a shower, she called me outside the classroom and told me that what I said was true, supporting my choice.
I was so dumb. I didn't know she did this thing until my girl T told me and I chose to trust H. I ruined W's trust.
T was upset and disappointed in me, and even the boy W started not standing on my side anymore.

At that time, I had no sense of security, and every step I took was very sensitive. This indirectly influenced the people around me, and I began to feel lonely and paranoid.
I had a fight with T. And I couldn't no longer bear it, I collapsed and chose to go home to stay a night. She went home too and messaged me a lot. I write a long apologize for her. The torn fabric can no longer be repaired, even though a friendly relationship has been maintained on the surface, it cannot be half as good as before.

Days were as usual, and Gaokao was getting closer and closer. At the same time, I felt very tortured and in pain.
I couldn't finish my diary anymore, chose to draw a simple four-panel comic to store my diary.
I think no one can stand by me. These were like evidence. My evidence...to say I care about these, a lot.
His gaze was so burning and tormenting me.
Another adjusting desk position, he sat in the edge of the classroom and I was on the other side. One day T told me he still couldn't forget a girl from his middle school. It really made me upset and disappointing. I was shocked and didn't say anything. Just shocked. I cannot imagine if he likes me, but what another girl?
I'm so dumb.

I cried for a lot. In October, November, December, January, February, March...I can't stand it's not pure.
But I believe I should keep my perseverance and bravery even if everything changes too much. His best friend sat behind me. And they changed position sometimes while class. I couldn't sit still.
I don't know what his thoughts. And eagerly wonder why he did these. Facing him was like facing a blurry membrane, I saw a blurry shadow, but I couldn't know whether it was good or bad on that side.

The most shock happened, T told me one day after a text sent.
W message her that HE forward messages from me to W. I had a clear view of him there, and then I was brought onto the stage and spread to the rest of the class, so I was ridiculed.
I couldn't believe that. Because these messages were transmitted by two people and reached my ears. I no longer had the energy to think about these contradictory stuff. This was a heavy blow to me.
This made me feel like everything was just my imagination and wishful thinking. And facts in my eyes defended them. My evidence there, my friends had seen what I said it was real.
I couldn't bear it, so I deleted his social media. After deleting it, he seemed to know that then he was upset at his best friend. I noticed that. After that, I could still catch his gaze, but I no longer dared to look.


append: In the year after graduation, we seemed to have almost met. Later, I found another reason to add him back to his social media, and he gave me another contact information. Now we just pretend not to have each other's contact information and check each other's updates.