I lived for about 20 years, I gradually found myself always in a lonely time. Although this may seem like a subjective judgment, and I tried to get involved in people, but it was hard for me.

Here is a example from me, back to my high school life. I met classmates in the same classroom(retaining classmates in the same room for about 3 years in China), and underwent lots of things. We used to be happy, but also complained to each other about our own dissatisfaction. Also, someone hurted me.

Here are some people I give them code names: Y, who was living at the same dormitory with me; W, who was living at the neighbour room and was my companion who often go back to the dormitory with me after studying at night; H, I somehow hated her but also admired her, who was gave me a bit pressure and was actively partners with me at the first time; F, who is an anime lover, we got closer at Grade 12. With that people, we used to eat together and attend physical education classes together.

At the Grade 10 and 11, even until graduation, I still heard that Y, W and H said F was weird, always said that 'why she always mad because of some action'. In the Gaokao period, we had opportunity to study at the classroom because our classroom wasn't requisited. H found F's notebook, some flirty chats were between F and her boyfriend. Y, W and H came at the 2nd door to read this notebook and laughed that 'So corny!'. W said I didn't wanna to see it because F and I were deskmates, that made super angry.

One night at the door of dormitory, Y and W complained that H was always inexplicably angry before eating that day. They talked about that with our 2 rooms. I once defended her, saying 'Maybe it's just that the pressure of exams is too great, that's why she's like this.' but no one listened to me. No one listened to me so many times. I felt ignored.

To this day, I can see their interactions on social media. When we had dinner together, H made a promise that H and Y and I would go on a trip together. Now looking for their traveling pictures isolating outside the screen, I feel very uncomfortable. They calle 'besties' to each other, always share funny things, themselves' lives and so on. I'm also jealous.

I always think that I am not a member of any group, and I am not in the order for them to share interesting stories. Although I still have a slight desire to 'join the group' and 'be placed in the priority', I seem to have lost the initiative to live and experience together. I feel that I prefer to enjoy alone time without anyone blaming me for anything I do.

I seem to have been looking at those groups through a layer of glass. They formed a circle inside, laughing back and forth, passing on interesting stories that only each other understood. And as I stood outside the glass, I could see everyone's expressions clearly, and the words I could recognize elicited suggestive complaints, but that circle never opened a crack for me.

I am firmly holding the evidence of their past discord in my hand. So when they decide to reconcile, the easiest thing to do is to completely remove me, along with that 'experience' that you highly value, from the order of memory.

I became the post broadcast station of my own life. They finished sharing and laughing, and if someone occasionally remembers, they might relay a edited version to me with a polite tone of 'you should know too'. I took it over, nodded, smiled, as if that was enough. They complained each other, even this blog seems like I'm complaining about them.